charliebear1's Blog

Being Welcomed


I'm Charliebear and i was let here to this website while looking up on being Bipolar. I believe I have the illness, i've been to see a doctor about it 3 times now and only one has understood me.
So I haven't actually been diagnosed, but i need something because my worl just in't normal and it hasn't been for about a year.
My different mood swings were noticed by my boyfriend over time until this massive argument happened and I tried to comit suicide, not the greatest idea. A few months after that it happened again and I didn't come out of my room for days. i just cried.
During the first few monthsof uniĀ i got pulled in to my head of deparments, for not turning up to my seminars and I got refered to a counceller, I had a problem anyway and that was having IBS, this gets me down from time to time but i have learnt to accept it.
So now I'm in my second year, things are getting worse and i think about taking my life nearly everyday and i feel guilty for thinking like this because of my family, they have no idea this is happening to me and i almost feel ashamed to admit i feel like this. As much as I love my boyfriend and i know he tries so hard to either cheer me up when i get down, he just doesn't understand. when he asks to talk about, i never want to because if i say something, he will say 'but why?' and i don't have answer, i don't know while i feel like this from time to time. sometimes things can trigger it, a lot of my anger omes from fustration with my boyfriend, and i call him every name under the sun and throw stuff at him and then when he storms out...i cry.
We argued tonight just before i was eant to go out with the girls i live with. i came home from a play i had seen and as soon as i walked through the door, he started laughing, then i had seen he had bought chips. now you may think 'So?' but the thing is that a few hours earlier, he phoned e and told me he had no money, this month he had bought a tablet, that he doesn't use anymore because he bought a new laptop and each time he's bought something like this, ive toldĀ him no because he will end up with no money. he's still got alot to buy this month like a train ticket back to my home town and other things. and then he buys a bag of chips...
yes okay maybe i was over dramatic and yes i got very angry. I didn't go out tonight because, the girls bailed and just talked, yeah it's fine just talking but i needed to go out. i was despreate. then by 12 they went to i'm alone. i start to cry and my boyfriends texting me, telling me to pull myslef together and control myself. but i can't, i physically can't. well i can but i end up hurting myself! so thats when something clicked. I NEED HELP, I NEED TO BE DIAGNOSED, who knows if i'm bipolar, I don't but i want someone to tell me, that i'm going to be okay and that there is help. so Tomorrow i'm off to see my counceller at the uni. whats the harm in popping in?!


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Being Welcomed, posted November 29th, 2012

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